A Word of Honesty and Hope

I'm sitting here in Perdido Key, FL where my wife and I have bolted away for a weekend at the beach. This place is a bit of a retreat for us as we shrug off our responsibilities back home, forget about work, and focus on family and relaxation. It's during this time that I typically get some dedicated training in whether it's a long ride or run or both even. Not this weekend, not now. Those weekends are usually followed by a lot of reading by the pool. This weekend I have brought with me the latest addition of Triathlete Magazine to read and some pod casts to listen to, but this weekend, I can't force myself to really get into to either. I think this weekend more than any I've had to really come to terms with what I've known to be inevitable all year. It hasn't really hurt up until this week because it hasn't really seemed a reality until now. I'm having to face the reality that I probably won't be racing this year. It's seems odd to even write that because I know that the season is long and anything is possible, but reality says otherwise.

The truth is that my wife and I have been trying to get pregnant for about a year now. All signs point to there being no real known reason as to why it hasn't happened. It just hasn't. We've met with a specialist who assures us that all of our 'levels" are fine, both mine and hers. My body is doing what it's supposed to as well is Lauren's. That's the mystery. There's nothing that we can't point to and say this is the reason. In speaking to the specialist about my training, we've asked her what she thought about me being on the bike and participating in my typical level of training. She advised that one and a half hours on the bike a week is acceptable as is no more than 5 hours of intense training per week. She said that while all of my levels are in the "good" range, studies have shown that spandex shorts and extensive training can result in a decreased count and viability for men due to heat and endorphin release. Please understand that I'm keeping this as "PG" rated as possible so information will be limited. So given this advice, we've decided to close all doors on what-ifs and error on the side of caution by following the doctor's advice. It wasn't a hard decision to make, but being limited to 5 hours of training per week doesn't exactly put me in a position to be in any type of shape for racing this year. For the most part, I'm just maintaining. I ride for fun rather than for speed. I run to keep the legs fresh rather than to hit a certain goal. The one thing I can do is swim as much as I want.

I am constantly struggling with this though. It kills me to read race reports and know that there's a local race that I'm going to have to miss. I look at my body and know that I'm not in prime condition and that I could do so much more. If you are a triathlete, you know the desire to push and to excel. It absolutely eats you up inside. So much of my enjoyment of this sport comes from the intensity of it all. People who know me keep asking when the next race will be. "I don't know", I tell them, "I haven't put anything on the calendar." I say this all the while knowing that just a 15 minute drive from where I am there's an Olympic distance race going on in Pensacola right now. Next week, the Alabama Gulf Coast HIM race is ten minutes down the road in the opposite direction. I should be there. I should be testing myself against the clock and my peers, but there are bigger things in life and things much more important than racing. It doesn't ease the pain though.

I can't complain too much as this whole procedure has been more taxing on my wife that it will ever be on me. I can't even start to go through the list of things that she's doing to improve our chances. She's changed her diet, given up caffeine, stopped working out, made countless visits to the doctor, read countless books and articles, and basically has given up her own goals for the sake of this one for our family. All I've got to do is give up racing, big wup. She's been the hero in this story. Our desire more than anything is to have a child. This is so much more important than any race or training schedule. I know this, and it's an easy decision to make, but I still struggle with this. I struggle with this daily.

We are a family of faith, or at least we attempt to be. We know that God has taken care of us in every aspect of life. We have no needs, and barely any wants. God will not abandon us in this area either. Faith is easier some days than others. We're not always strong, but we rest in the fact that God is faithful for us in spite of ourselves.

Thanks for reading this post. It's something I've wanted to write for sometime, but haven't been able to bring myself to do so as it's a very personal subject. But this is more of a way for me to come to terms with this and to get a few things off my chest.